Ask Me About My Zombie Plan

I do actually get asked this occasionally. I get asked this, because the question above is emblazoned across my favorite hoodie:

No one ever really has the time to listen, so my rote answer is “be faster than you”. Which is true. You don’t have to be the fastest gazelle on the plain, just not the slowest. But that’s not REALLY my plan.

I love the Walking Dead. Loved the comics years ago, love the TV series now. I also love Hyundai. I love MY Hyundai. My truly beloved 2.0T Genesis Coupe. But.

But, but, but.

My disbelief is not suspended when the survivors of the apocalyse drive around in a pastel-green soft-roader, cute-ute Hyundai Tucson. There is NO WAY anyone in their right mind would keep that little SUV around for any length of time after the zombie apocalyse hits. Know why? Because it’s useless for anything except an inch or two of snow, and the occasional gravel driveway. That’s not to belittle the Tucson. It’s a super effective compact crossover: gets decent mileage for commuting, and you can stuff all the kids sports gear in it. My little brother and his wife have one.

But it will not get you through the zombie apocalypse.

It’s just product placement. And I can live with product placement, but this is just glaringly terrible product placement. No one wo was planning on surviving would drive this, except to make a get-away to their real vehicle.

And that’s MY plan. I’ve meant to talk about this for a while, because, hey, it’s fun, and I dream about it. No, really. I do. I dream zombie survival. Doesn’t everyone?

So, the zombie apocalypse hits, where do you go?

Well, if you can, you get one of these:

That, boys and girls, is a Marauder. That is how you survive the apocalypse if you don’t have access to tanks. You can buy it in civillian garb, like Top Gear tested it:

Ok, so maybe that’s not realistic. So, what do you do? Well, if you’re me, and you know the guys and girls I do, you improvise. You do NOT head for the Hyundai dealership. You head for the Ford or Chevy dealer. Probably Chevy. Why? Well, you might get lucky and find a used Hummer H1 on the lot, if it’s an ex-Hummer dealer (probably Chevrolet/Cadillac these days). They’re tough, ride high, have a ton of weight behind them, and brutal torque. You can probably plow through zombies all day, if you need to. Chances are, you’re not finding one of those, either, though. So, what do you look for?

If you’re smart, you look for 2-mode, full-size, body-on-frame hybrid SUV’s. Specifically, Tahoes and Suburbans. They’re about the toughest thing Chevy has ever mass-produced. They get better mileage than regular ones (25% better in the real world, which, when you don’t know when you’re getting gas next, is a big fucking deal) thanks to that cool 2-mode hybrid system. They’re still Chevy trucks underneath everything, so parts? EVERYWHERE. Suspension, drivetrain (except for the hybrid, sure) body panels, the works. All easy to get to fix up your fleet. And you take a fleet. you get torque multiplication thanks to that cool-ass hybrid transmission, AND you get torque from 0 RPM, which is important, if you’re trying to bull your way through a horde of zombies.

So, me and my hand-picked group of survivors? We’re hitting the Chevy dealership first.

After that, we’re holing up in a Canadian Tire. Now, keep in mind, we’re in Canada. If you’re in the states, Walmart makes sense: there’s guns and ammo there, and that’s useful, no doubt. But any big-box store with a ton of supplies, and car repair bays is what you want. Well, it’s what I want. You can go hang, really.

So, Canadian tire. Not much in the way of store-front glass, so you can seal it up good and proper. Lots of automotive bays so you can get inside, with the vehicles, really quickly. It also means you can load/unload your vehicles without watching for brain chewers. This takes a whole lot of stress off. And stress is a killer.

Well equipped too: generators, welding gear, parts, specific and potential weapons. You’re gonna want to weld skid plates, brush bars, and armour to the windows/door frames/where-ever of those ‘burbans. Not to mention that the windows and at least the lower sections of the garage roller doors will need plating.

You see where I’m going here, right? You’ve got a base of operations, that comes pretty well stocked (I say well stocked, but Canadian Tire never has that ONE THING you want, in stock, does it?) can be made defensible against the undead, and gives you the tools to build and maintain expedition vehicles.

Now, all of this assumes a world where the undead are the real problem, not the living. But either way, I ain’t rolling no all-season-shod, stock-as-shit, soft-roader Hyundai.

Because my disbelief is not suspended.


One Response to Ask Me About My Zombie Plan

  1. phae_girl says:

    Tell you what…

    My first stop will be at the Kenworth dealership down the street. There’s a nice T800 sitting there that I’ve had my eye on. I’ll swing by National Grocers to pick up a trailer, then after that I’ll meet you at the Canadian Tire on Merivale at Hunt Club. The reason I pick that one is for its proximity to Tim Horton’s, Rona, Costco, Starbucks, A&W, and the Shell terminal. Sound like a plan?

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